1. Attraction Isn't a Formula — page 11

1. Attraction Isn't a Formula

The dating industry loves formulas because formulas sell.

Say this line. Wait this long. Stand this way. Touch her here. Pull away now. Create "mystery." Make her "qualify." Follow the sequence and attraction appears at the end like a vending machine dispensing a Coke.

Real attraction doesn't work that way.

The best research on real-life romantic attraction points to something messier and much more useful: attraction is partly about you, partly about her, and partly about what happens when the two of you are together.

Some people are widely considered attractive. Some people are naturally more open to meeting others. And then there is chemistry that seems to belong to a particular pair. You can be one woman's "exact type" and another woman's absolutely-not. Same face. Same job. Same jokes. Same night.

If you've ever watched a friend obsess over someone you personally didn't find attractive, you already understand this.

This should be liberating.

It means you can stop looking for a universal key to women.

There isn't one.

What you can do is improve the things that raise your odds across many interactions: appearance, fitness, confidence, warmth, humour, social skill, emotional control, interesting conversation, a decent life, and the ability to make your interest clear without making it somebody else's problem.

Then you let the other person vote.

WHAT THE SCIENCE SAYS

Large reviews of attraction research find that attraction tends to show up through clusters of behaviour: more talking, more proximity, more smiling and laughter, more eye contact, more mimicry and engagement. Direct behaviours tend to be more informative than tiny "body language tells." Fear of rejection also suppresses the very behaviours that would otherwise show interest.

In normal English: people who like each other usually make interaction easier for each other.

Not always. Shyness exists. Anxiety exists. Culture matters. But you should be looking for a pattern of reciprocity, not one magical sign.